Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

😭🤣

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

🗽