Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I need this for my side hustle.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit