Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween