Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
o shit
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.