Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.

Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.

Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

i could never be president. im overqualified.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird