Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*