Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
The Friday File.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.