Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
He’s dead
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.