Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”