Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

oh u like history? name everything that happened

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

“why do you take so long in the shower?”

me:

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.