Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline