Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Holy shit he’s back
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I finally found a reason to live again.