Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

Uh oh 👀

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs