Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Writing, She Murdered.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
even bears disappoint their mothers
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
#gardening
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.