Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*