Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
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Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.