Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

I think I’m having a stroke

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

Dumplings,

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me: