Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
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why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
😭😭😭
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Good morning.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’ve disappointed better people.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot