Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
next level snooze
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word