Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

I’m an avid indoorsman.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

[on my deathbed]

“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”

*dies*

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years