Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”