Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.