Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
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it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.