Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

My blood type is coffee.

The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

😍😂🥰😂😍

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*