Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Sunday
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.