Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu