Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
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Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Note to self: I am a note
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.