Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
ok like just. call me at this point
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
How your email finds me
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK