Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear