Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
You Might Also Like
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
It’s the weekend y’all
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
i’m sure it’s fine
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!