I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.