I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.