Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
How does one answer this?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror