Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
i made a craigslist ad !
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)