Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*