Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

I’m putting together a team

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

The pen is writier than the sword.

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

how to have an accident 101

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”