Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.