Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this