Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
You Might Also Like
It kinda feels like this rn
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade