Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Cat or sheep
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.