Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.