@breatheandlove

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

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@fro_vo

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

@3sunzzz

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

@iAmJuddy

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

@Go2Slp

How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.