Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Barbie gone wild