Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”