Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.