Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.