Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Travel bloggers during quarantine
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Not messing around
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.