Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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you can only post this today
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”