Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
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Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The “baby” on the left….
