Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.