Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

john wicks are toilet candles

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Oh, I bet you would be

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

As the Lord intended

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs