Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.