RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
You Might Also Like
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
good morning
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.