Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday