Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.