relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’