relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*