relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
im getting some exciting spam emails lately