Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
🚲+physics = winner
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I stand by it
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.