Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!