Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click