Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

Good morning.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

dril cadence

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

🤣🤣

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.