Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Why are bridges so flammable.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.