Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.