Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
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When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Hank is one in a melon.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️