Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.