Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards