Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.