Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

be safe out there!

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.