@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

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@Robert_Beau

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

@FlyJ_

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

@Kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@Briidashian

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

@OkigboXL

PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.

@ohpeetie

No thanks, diet. I don’t trust words that are 75% die.

@darksidedeb

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.