Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
me when i see my girls butt
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want