Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Track coach: run like the wind!

Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

pls suprot

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

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DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??