Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.