Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*