Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

I wanna be friends with this person

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Pigeon open mic night.