Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili