Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
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The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
This kid is going places
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
79.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.