WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.