Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
You Might Also Like
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.