Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”